Harry Potter crack ficlets
by Asuka Kureru
Summary: Collection of short stories, scenes, snippets, featuring Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi at Hogwarts. Warning: utter crack. This is NOT A REAL STORY but a dozen small stories. It's also AS COMPLETE AS IT WILL EVER BE.
1. The Letter

**What this is**:

-the result of way, way too many "lazy" crossovers, where some characters just happen to pop up at Hogwarts with only the most standard, most cliché and most stupid explanation, The Acceptance Letter.

-a series of ficlets, featuring Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi spending a year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

-total crack.

**What this is not**:

-**a real story**, with an overall storyline, defined sequence of events, or anything relating to a real plot.

-posted in chronological order (there is NO order. Except for the ones where they're not at school yet -- most of the ones happening at Hogwarts could be happening ANYTIME.)

-posted with any sort of beginning or end in view -- the ficlets will be written if the inspiration hits me, and only if. You can make suggestions, but I don't promise they'll inspire me.

-betaread (yes, I suck.)

-serious.

**In other words, please don't ask for a "next chapter" because they are not chapters of a story. They're just random bouts of crack. I'm not even into Harry Potter that much anymore, so don't expect me to be inspired to write more than what there is already. It might happen, but that's not very likely.**

* * *

"_Owls_."

"Yes."

"Owls bearing _messages_."

"Yes."

"To our dimension, or pocket universe, or whatever you want to call the land of the Five Countries."

"Yes."

"_Transdimensional_ owls. Bearing messages of acceptance to a school of a country we've never heard about and are quite visibly -- except maybe the idiot -- not citizens from."

"Yep."

"From a minority possessing powers you can't even explain satisfactorily, because it makes no fucking sense to us."

"Yepyep."

"They... don't really care that their Prime Minister is never going to swallow that cover story in a million years, do they," Sasuke finished with a sneer.

"Actually, I've been told that weirder things have happened. This one should pass muster," Kakashi replied with an amused grin.

"Man, that's one country that's ripe for the conquering," Naruto quipped, amazed.

Sakura looked up from her study of the map and gave Kakashi a politely surprised look. "Are you sure you don't hail from there, Sensei? Getting lost on the road of life saving kittens from grandmas sounds like it's right up their alley."

"What, you mean he was saying the truth all along? Whoa, sorry Kakashi-sensei, honestly. It's just that it all sounded like the worst fibs I've ever heard in my life. Shoulda known it was too sucky to really be lies."

"Oi." Kakashi chuckled, shaking his head with mock-sadness. "Kids these days. No respect for their elders."

Sasuke snorted at their bantering and read over the rest of the sample letter. Albus blahblahblah Dumbledore... list of titles... Warlock -- well it had war in it, so he could guess at what the position meant... "... Mugwump. " This one, though, he couldn't. He fished out the other letter and stared at the list of books and equipment necessary.

"What else is there?"

"Uniforms. Black uniforms," Sasuke added with hidden relish.

Naruto looked crestfallen. "All black? That sucks!"

"... The uniforms are... Robes. Whatever they mean by that."

"What, like bathrobes and stuff? Whoa. That's kinda prissy. And are we allowed to wear pants underneath?"

"Unless you want to flash people whenever you trip, you better," Sakura replied, giving him a suspicious look.

"One plain pointed hat, black..."

Kakashi looked disturbingly happy. His three pupils turned toward him to give him an evil look. If they had to wear a stupid pointed hat, he would, too.

"...One pair of protective gloves, dragon hide or similar..."

"Ohh. That actually sounds neat. Where are we gonna find a dragon, though?"

"I could always try to summon that bastard Manda..." Sasuke muttered under his breath, and finished the list. There were books next, first-year and fourth-year alike. He supposed they were to read the first-year books before they arrived, so that they'd have at least some basic understanding of the subjects.

"At least they have a sense of humor," Sakura commented. "Their pen names are like an inside joke after another."

"Maybe it's their real names," Naruto replied.

"If you were called Adalbert, would you show your face in public?"

"The idiot doesn't even know how to spell shame, much less what it actually means," Sasuke sniped back. "I get your meaning though. Awfully weird that someone honestly named Spore would actually study plants."

Naruto grinned. "She's one to talk. Spring cherry blossom."

"Hey, shut it, you -- swirly fishcake!"

Kakashi and Sasuke exchanged a Look.

"Oh, you shut it, scarecrow and -- eh, Sasuke, what's your name mean?"

"It's an ancient and respected ninja name. It doesn't need to mean anything."

"It means something stupid, doesn't it? Man, I've got to see the kanji!"

"You wouldn't know how to read them," Sasuke sniped back, and started reading the list again to shut him up.

Of course he was interrupted several times for random comments, but when they started again about his name, he had a comeback ready.

"...Students may also bring an owl, or a cat, or a toad... Naruto, you bring one of your talking frogs and I'll skewer it."

"Oi!"


	2. The Sorting

Ahh, the Sorting. :D

* * *

"Remind me again, if we are to be bodyguards, why we need to be 'Sorted', as they say?" Sasuke scowled as he joined Sakura at her table, pretending not to be surprised that his tie had changed colors and that the empty crest over his heart was now suddenly sporting a silver and green snake. He didn't know what any of that meant, but he didn't care. The casual display of magic, though, left him irritated, as well as very very mildly unnerved. 

"Well, to fit in, obviously," Sakura replied, smoothing her white blouse with the eagle on it.

Sasuke glared a guy -- who was looking at them as if he wanted to berate them -- into sitting back down and looking away, and then glared some more at all the people sitting at that table, who were also staring at the two of them, trying to understand the weird language Sakura and Sasuke were speaking.

"... Though it might be too late for that," Sakura acknowledged with a sigh.

"GRYFFINDOR," yelled the hat, and Sakura winced at Sasuke's irritated expression. Maybe it had told him things he didn't want to hear, though she had found it to be a most agreeable person... being... hat, during the whole ten minutes they had chatted to determine if she was best suited to Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. She didn't, after all, know enough to have a pre-made opinion.

"You have pink hair. You can't fit in," Sasuke retorted moodily, and opened his robes, knotting the ends over the small of his back to keep them out of the way.

"Hehe, that looks silly," Naruto commented as he sat on Sakura's other side.

"You'll find it less silly when you tangle your feet in yours and I kick your face in."

"Whoa, someone is cranky," Naruto commented, and started digging into his food happily.

The guy facing Sasuke opened his mouth again, this time addressing Naruto in English. "Uh, excuse me, but you're a Gryffindor, and -- he's a Slytherin --"

"And so what?" Sasuke hissed, fingering the wand in his pocket. It was too dull to stab properly with, but it should leave painful bruises if he went at it hard enough.

"Well you shouldn't -- you shouldn't..."

Another girl at his far side piped up. "What he's saying is, you should be with your own houses!"

Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto blinked at each other, and then Naruto turned toward the girl. "I should eat with the lion guys, and him with the snake guys?"

"Well, yes," she replied, apparently relaxing when he didn't bite her face off. Sasuke wasn't looking pleased, though.

"I'm not moving now."

The girl wilted. "Ah, uhm, it's fine this time, but -- you will have to go with your houses later to sleep anyway. The dormitories don't allow people from other Houses and the common rooms are --"

Sasuke turned toward his comrades, totally ignoring the rest of the table, and shifted in their own language. "Remind me, AGAIN, why we need to be sorted? This will impede our freedom of movements--"

Naruto snorted in between two mouthfuls. "If you can't get out of there, then you're a lousy ninja. I bet I can sneak out before you can!"

"... You're on, moron. Whatever. Besides I had a feeling that crazy old man actually wants us to go to class."

"Uhm, well, yes," Sakura nodded. "Kakashi-sensei told me he expected to see us behave properly in his classroom, so I assume..."

Sasuke scowled. "What the hell. One, we won't catch up on five years of lessons, and besides we don't need them anyway. Two, we can't patrol when we're locked in the classrooms."

"Well yes, but maybe we're meant to protect the students--" Naruto countered.

Sakura sighed and shook her head. "In this case why isn't there one ninja per class at least? We're all in the same year, and seeing the timetable three fourths of the time two of us will be sharing the same class anyway."

"The main target is that Potter kid, though. Naruto, you're in his house, you keep close to him. Sakura, we'll patrol --"

"But we'll need to skip classes!" she replied, chagrined.

"... err, Sakura-chan... What are you going to do with the best way to flick a wand and stuff? We don't even have those at home." Naruto sighed, sprawling on the table. "Man, I wish I could skip too. It's gonna be so boring in class."

"Have you read Potter's file?" Sasuke asked, rolling his eyes.

"Uh, yeeeeah?"

That meant no. "Given his records, you probably ended up with the most dangerous part of the job."

"Oh, _neat_." The blond grinned widely. Sakura rolled her eyes at him, and got up to follow her departing Housemates. Naruto grinned, did a little gig of victory, and jogged through the crowd to join his own.

Sighing, Sasuke steeled himself and went to meet the Slytherins. From the cold, calculating looks he was getting, he had a feeling he knew what the Sorting Hat based its choices on.


	3. Meeting Harry

Shortest one so far. Ehh. :p

* * *

"Hey, hey, so you're that Potter Harry guy?"

Harry gave the blond guy grinning manically at him a wary look. Sure, that Naruto guy was a Gryffindor too, but... He seemed perpetually obscenely happy, he looked about fifteen and yet had just arrived at Hogwarts now (where the hell was he from? Everyone was acting as if transfer students from nowhere were NORMAL), and besides he'd sat at the Ravenclaw table to eat the other day.

"Uh. It's Harry Potter. And yes, that's me." He wondered if he was going to get the "OMYGOD you're so cool!" speech, or the "huh, you're not that great, I bet you just got lucky" speech. The guy seemed too happy for a "you liar/murderer/coward/why haven't you offed Him yet?" speech.

Instead, the guy turned around, and waved at a pack of Slytherins.

"Oi Sasuke!"

A black-haired guy with a pissy expression joined them, staring down Ron and Dean stonily. He was the kind of guy Harry wouldn't have been surprised to notice had a nice tattoo on his left arm, so it was a bit of a surprise to see the blond throw an arm around his shoulders and grin at him cheerfully.

"Hey bastard, I found you a friend. He's got an old snake-pervert after his booty too. You can bondERK!"


	4. DADA teacher Kakashi

A reminder, this isn't one story, this is a collection of random scenes. If it's short, that's because I said all I had to say on the idea. :P

* * *

Kakashi had thought he was used to kids whining about his cruel teaching methods, but really he had underestimated his own brats, if what he was getting now was the normal level of complaining. Or maybe it was the fact that to get all the houses together he'd had to place his first class on a Saturday. Bah.

"You each have a number. Find the people who have the same number; they will be your teammates."

The bushy-haired one figured it first, though not by much. "But this means every team will have one member of each house!"

"Brilliant," he drawled back, "but this doesn't get you toward your partners faster. Get moving, brats."

There was some offended whispering at the term he had used, and at being forced to mix with other houses, but Kakashi didn't listen. He'd heard people call him a lot of worse things, and at the end of the day they were going to be using them all.

"For the first task you'll be going in turns. Team one, to me." He pulled his book out of his left pocket with one hand, and showed the kids the contents of his right hand. "Anything goes, any spell or dirty trick you can think of. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. If you maim me, points for you. I won't complain. Grab one of these from me, and you pass the class. If you can't, you'll be coming here tomorrow and the next weekend as well, until you do."

The same girl voiced people's concern once again. "... But... there's only three bells! And we're four!"

He smiled widely under his mask. "Yes. Exactly. Begin."

He was going to teach them Inter-house cooperation if it killed them.


	5. Parseltongue

This one is for Artimusdin , who inspires me liek whoa.

* * *

"... Is it me, or did you just... hiss?" Sakura inquired politely, blinking at Harry.

Harry started, and winced guiltily. He'd seen the black-haired Slytherin's pet, coiled around his neck like a living collar, and hadn't realized he'd shifted languages. "Uhm. Yes?"

Naruto blinked, then grinned widely. "That was kinda creepy. Do it again?"

What? ...Well, that was still a better reaction than being called a freak.

The black-haired guy was frowning, and he was one person Harry was quite wary of. Not that he was scared, but he'd turn his back on the bloke even less than on almost any of his housemates -- Malfoy not included.

"Um."

"Do it again."

Harry frowned, tempted to snap back, but Naruto and the girl -- Sakura? Were looking hopeful, so in the end he relented. He looked at the snake -- weird colors, and it was staring at him, and -- well. "... Um, hello. My name is Harry."

The snake stared back, tongue flicking out pensively. He looked amused, too.

"... my, my, how interesting. THAT I have to tell Manda." The snake stared at him a while longer, then poofed out of existence without warning.

"What the -- What happened to your pet!"

Sasuke grumbled, vaguely annoyed that it had left without waiting for dismissal. "It's not a pet, it's a summon... Whatever. You speak snake?"

"... It's called Parseltongue. A few wizards have the ability." If they didn't know it was Dark, though, he wasn't telling them.

"Whoa, kinda cool. Any snakes? 'cause Sasuke's big ones can speak on their own, but some of my littlest frogs can't and--"

"Naruto, he doesn't understand what you're talking about," the pink-haired girl reminded him, along with a bonk on his head. "Sasuke has -- I guess you'd call it a spell, that allows him to summon snakes. Any kind of snake, be they garden snakes or demon snakes. And the demon snakes can speak."

Harry blanched a little. "Demon?" And he could call them from anywhere, just like that? What Voldemort wouldn't give for that power...

"Ahh, not demon like you think, just -- kind of sentient magical animals?" she reassured him quickly. "Naruto can do the same thing with frogs and toads."

"Ah. And you?" he asked politely, though what he really wanted to know was where were his own friends, and why they'd left him alone with the crazy trio.

"... slugs," she admitted with a wince. "I didn't choose them!"

Slugs. Right. That was... fearsome. He understood why she didn't look happy with them.

Sasuke scowled, and interrupted her before she could babble more. "You know what snakes say?"

"... Yes?"

"Any snakes?"

"Yes, even magical snakes. ... Why?"

"There's a man, who I think speaks your language. He... said things to me. I want to know what they were." Sasuke looked away briefly, trying to remember the sounds, then started reproducing them to the best of his abilities.

"Well, you've got a bit of an accent, but so far it sounds like -- BLOODY HELL." Harry sputtered, turning a violent red.

Naruto leaned toward him, almost bouncing. "What? What? What did the old snake pervert say?"

"I am certainly NOT translating that!" Harry retorted, mortally embarrassed. "But, uhm. If he said -- I mean..." Naruto HAD called the guy the snake-pervert, though, and now Harry was uncomfortably aware of how appropriate and yet totally inadequate that was. "I would advise you to watch your rea-- YOUR BACK. Watch your back."

Shaking his head, he hurried away quickly, bemoaning the loss of his mental purity.


	6. Petting the Unicorns

For Artimusdin again. My muse.

* * *

"Hey, guys, wouldn't it be the best place to hide if you were on stakeout?" Naruto commented as he pointed at the forest, so close to the hut where the Slytherins and Gryffindors were having a Care of Magical Creatures lesson.

"Yes, except for the place being called Forbidden Forest for a reason," Sasuke replied, snorting, and kept on following Hagrid toward the edge of the woods.

"Hey, we did survive the Forest of Death, we'd have no trouble in this one -- by the way, what's up with these names? You'd think they want to scare us away or something -- oh, wait."

Sakura, who was skipping a class to "provide them with more support", rolled her eyes. "So, what are you studying today?" she asked Sasuke brightly, equally happy with spending quality time with him and knowing the subject of her next lesson in advance.

"... horses, apparently," he replied, pointing toward a herd of shiny white horses slowly walking out of the forest.

"Vicious-looking horses," Naruto replied as he eyed their horns warily.

"Oh! These are unicorns!" she replied, delighted, as the herd came to a stop.

"They magical too, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked curiously.

"Yes, they have many magical properties, and --"

"Whatever. They're just horses." Sasuke shrugged and walked away from the group to check out the edge of the forest.

"But, Sasuke, it's interesting, they can --"

"I don't need to know about horses," he replied absently, his eyes trying to pierce the darkness.

When his shoulder was bumped into, he swatted back at the offending touch, and turned back to glare at Naruto.

It was a silvery-white muzzle that greeted him instead. He froze, eyeing the unicorn warily.

"What do you want?"

It nuzzled him again, insistently.

"Pet it," Naruto advised, from afar as the horse started huffing and pawing at the ground the second he stepped closer.

Annoyed and wanting this over and done with, Sasuke obeyed, and two seconds later wondered why he was hearing snickers. The loudest were from his own House, actually.

"Hey, Uchiha," Malfoy called. "So you can pet unicorns, eh? Were you hiding something from us?"

"Well, he IS awfully pretty..." one of his bodyguards commended, and chortled loudly.

Sasuke gave the horned horse a last absent pat, shoving its nose away from him, and stalked back toward the group, determined to break a few bones.

"Sakura. The unicorns..." he demanded as he approached her.

"They, uhm, they usually only let, a certain kind of people touch them..."

"What kind?" he asked for confirmation as he stalked past, though with the snickers and Hagrid's bewildered looks at his uniform pants, he could guess.

"Uhm... girls. Virgin girls."

With her words the boys started laughing even louder.

A second later Sasuke had flickered from view, and reappeared nose to nose with Draco.

"If you're so jealous, I can't do anything about your lack of virginity, but I sure can help you become a girl."

Malfoy gulped. Sasuke was smirking, the kind of smile Sakura and Naruto didn't like because it was modeled after Orochimaru's. It did its job, though.

"We understand each other."

Malfoy nodded. The hold Sasuke had on his balls was tightening.

They would have stared at each other forever, the ferret and the viper, if Sasuke hadn't been nudged from behind again.

The unicorn whinnied, and lipped at his hair. Sasuke scowled and twitched away. It was disgusting. Now he had magical horse slobber in his hair.

The unicorn gave him a miserable look. He scowled at it, and tried pushing it off him. It came back. And again. And again. Sighing, he ended up petting it grudgingly.

"Ah, yer spirit must be very pure indeed, if the unicorns don't even care that yer a boy," Hagrid ended up saying, provoking another round of muffled snickers. Naruto looked like he was having trouble breathing. Sasuke briefly wondered if the stupid beast liked him enough to trample people on command.

Pure, him. The hell. Stupid thing must be broken.

* * *

Hagrid was still trying to get the unicorn to stop following Sasuke when they reached the castle.

"You have to admit, it's highly unusual, Sasuke-kun," Sakura was saying. She was still miffed because no unicorn had wanted anything to do with her, despite her being pretty sure that she was still at least a good eighty percent pure.

"... shut up," Sasuke growled back, and stomped faster.

"Ah -- it did... seem to be a little weird, as far as unicorns went -- I'm sure it wasn't you..." she mumbled, trying to make it better.

"Yeah! Maybe it's a gay unicorn," Naruto piped up from his other side.

"... Oh, just shut up," Sasuke replied, kicking him.

"Ow! ... Hey, wait. Does that mean you're a virgin?"

"Moron."

Sasuke's tone was almost pleasant. This was bad news. Sakura stepped back out of range cautiously.

"You heal fast, right. Think your balls would grow back?"

Naruto cringed. Sasuke apparently had no problem handling other people's manbits when his own manhood was doubted. "Okay, I got it, you're a regular pimp daddy."

"Good boy," Sasuke shot back, and stomped off after the rest of his classmates.

"SAAASU-CHAN IS A VIRGIIIN!" Naruto yelled, laughing, and then took off, running for his life.


	7. Sexy no Jutsu pt1

:D I'm, um, kind of running out? I've got another part typed out after this one, and two more ideas/half-typed things, but after this, I don't know. Will try to find a bunny with Snape though, but I'm welcoming other suggestions.

* * *

Sakura had spent the evening in the library, fighting over books with that Gryffindor girl who hung out with Potter a lot. Apparently they'd had the same idea for that extra credit assignment. Then she'd stayed up late in the common room, trying to finish all her homework for the week so that she could patrol the next evenings. She was sleepy.

Which meant that when the alarm sounded, making her burst out of her bed with a kunai in each hand, she was pretty much Not Happy.

"Ah -- that's the boy alarm," Mandy informed her sleepily.

"The... boy alarm?" she repeated, as she cracked the door open and glanced quickly outside. The stairs, she noticed with amazement, had disappeared, replaced with a smooth surface that seemed as slippery as ice.

"Yes, apparently a boy got the wrong dormitories," Padma added sarcastically, and rolled on her other side, spelling her drapes shut and casting a Silencing charm on them.

A second after the stairs returned to normal, the alarm honked again and then they disappeared once again. Sakura was rather amazed. There were skidding and scratching noises as someone tried to fight his way up, and a loud thump, and then Sakura could hear swearing at the bottom, five stories down. It wasn't in English, and besides she recognized the voice.

"It's warded against boys, Naruto," she called as quietly as possible.

"Oh yeah?" he called back, not at all quietly. She could hear other people trying to talk him out of it, but he didn't listen. Then there was a poof and a chakra flare, and an outburst of several male voices and a seventh year girl squealing in shock. Sakura caught the worlds "girl" and "naked", and thus wasn't so surprised when Naruko joined her, all bright grin and shiny long hair and indecently generous curves, sticking to the slick slope with hands and feet, and only wearing quickly dissipating wisps of smoke.

"Moron! You could have asked me to come down!" she screeched -- quietly -- as she whapped the boy-turned-girl over the head.

"... Oh, yeah."

"What the hell are you doing in here anyway?" she asked, shoving him out of the bedroom and on the landing to close the door behind her, not wanting her roommates to ask questions.

"Well, uh, Sasuke and me, we're planning a recon of the grounds, outside I mean, so, yeah, wanna come with? Ron told me there's a giant squid, isn't that so cool!" he added, bouncing.

Sakura stepped back to avoid being knocked out by his boobs. Well gee, it was nice of them to ask, but maybe they could have warned her, or timed it on a day where she hadn't worked like crazy. "And why didn't you just stick to the wall or the roof anyway?"

"Hey, I tried that, I'm not completely stupid. I didn't stick, that's all."

"Well, turn back, idiot," she grumbled. "You -- WAIT NO DON'T--"

Too late. The second Naruto let go of the jutsu, the staircases disappeared again and this time they both slid down the winding slope to the bottom, tumbling out on the common room's blue carpet.

"... Just so you know, Naruto," she gritted out as she tried to squirm out from under him and push her nightdress down her thighs at the same time, "I... really, REALLY... HATE... you..."


	8. Sexy no Jutsu pt2

Only one ficlet left to post after this one, and then i'll actually have to think up new ones. x.x Uwah, it's harder to think em up than it was.

* * *

By breakfast the next morning, the story had circulated through more than half the Hogwarts population, and the rest were quickly updated. Exhausted after a night spent scaling the Quidditch stands and hoops, watching, with her heart in her throat, Sasuke do backflips and other acrobatics through the branches of a vicious tree that she had just learned was named the Whomping Willow, and freeing Naruto from a lonely Squid's tentacles -- Sakura wasn't in the mood to indulge the gossip mongers. The story had apparently just hit the Gryffindors, with whom Team Seven was eating this morning. So when Ron Weasley turned to face them and ask if "Naruto had really...", she only groaned and let her forehead hit the table.

Naruto was too busy gorging himself to reply to his housemate, and no one in the Lion's house ever addressed Sasuke directly or even openly acknowledged his existence -- except the first years who ran from him with terrified squeals -- so in the end, Ron tapped her shoulder again.

"Ah, are you okay?"

"Yes, fine, fine," she grumbled. "Just tired, is all. And yes, Naruto really did."

Harry Potter blinked at them, looking mildly confused, and Hermione Granger -- with whom Sakura had been feuding since they'd tried to check out the same obscure books -- gave a disdainful sniff.

"He really turned into a naked chick?"

Sakura nodded glumly, still remembering her humiliation. She'd been so ashamed by the way her housemates had been staring and whispering that she'd just grabbed Naruto and ran out of the Ravenclaw tower before a teacher could come. She hadn't even bothered finding her shoes, or other clothes than her nightdress.

At least Sasuke had been nice enough to bully Naruto into lending her his jacket. She would have preferred Sasuke's shirt, but at least that way everyone had at least one layer on. Ahh, Sasuke could be so caring sometimes... A shame he was so shy he needed to hide it with that gruff attitude of his.

"You really did?" Now it was Dean.

Naruto hummed happily and nodded in reply, too busy stuffing food down his throat to reply.

"Can you all do that?"

"Certainly not," Sasuke snapped back, making the Gryffindors start and give him wary looks. "That's the idiot's specialty."

Ron coughed, scowled at the Slytherin who dared reminding them that he existed, then pulled together enough bravery to ask his question. "So you mean, he's like a girlymagus or something?"

Sakura opened her mouth to explain that no, he wasn't, it was a jutsu -- kind of like a spell but not really, because... because...

"...Or something," she agreed wearily.

"Or he's just a moronmagus," Sasuke added before finishing his bowl and kicking Naruto in the shin.

"OW!"

"Stop making us answer for you, stupid."

Sakura was grateful when the brief struggle didn't end in an all-out battle and started digging into her breakfast without much enthusiasm.

She only pulled out of her daze when the fatidic "sure, I'll show you!" words hit her ear, and turned toward Naruto in alarm.

"No, not in the great--"

POOF.

"... hall..."


	9. Sexy no Jutsu pt3

This one is all Muffy's fault.

* * *

First it was that pink-haired girl. The dating pool was small, and he'd already exhausted most other options. (besides Pansy was getting clingy again; she needed a reminder that they were certainly not wed yet.) The girl was smart on top of being cute, though her breasts could have done with some of Amanda's Asset Augmentation, and hadn't had the time to hear all the nasty rumors about him. Besides she was friends with that Uchiha psychopath; she wasn't going to be prejudiced against Slytherins. As a nice bonus, he could probably pump her for Uchiha's weaknesses -- and what was even better, she didn't like that Mudblood Granger, so there was no risk of her falling in with Potter's crowd.

"Say, Sasuke-kun... If you're not busy this evening, we could... slip out... visit the grounds..."

... Too late apparently.

How he hated that bastard. He was cold, rude and contemptuous, had no manners and no respect for his peers -- he didn't even comb his hair -- and yet every girl at school was sighing after him. They should have been looking at HIM, Draco Malfoy. He consoled himself by thinking that it was just the attraction of a new face, and would fade after a while. God knew that the other new student, the grinning one, wasn't going to be popular anywhere but in Gryffindor, with his attitude -- he wasn't pretty enough for them to get past his crazy bouncing and manic grinning and stupid pranks.

And then it was that blonde chick with the boobs -- well, he meant, the happy smile and bubbly smile that said Hufflepuff, and the mischievous gleam in gleaming blue eyes that said Slytherin, even though he had never seen her before.

Oh, and the boobs.

Apparently they didn't make girl shirts her size, because the top three buttons were nowhere to be seen. That was quite a lot of cleavage; he forgave her for visibly not being as smart as whatshername, Pink.

"Hello," he greeted her suavely. "I've never seen you before. Are you new?"

She blinked at him, and then grinned. It was a huge, 'oh, so happy to see you' grin, with a tiny bit of something else that he forgot to check more closely because when she clasped her hands like that it made her tits squish together.

"Oh, I've arrived a little while ago, but yes, I guess so!"

She had the most adorable smile ever. And legs up to her armpits -- he would have been shocked that she wore her skirts that short if he wasn't busy being delighted. And then he noticed another part of her clothing -- hard to miss, it was on her chest -- and grinned even wider. She'd already been sorted. In HIS house. Oh, yessss.

A little part of his brain tried to warn him that if she'd been put in Slytherin, it was probably for a reason; she couldn't truly be as naive and sweet as she looked -- but then Crabble and Goyle were living proof that you didn't need brains if you had lineage. Maybe she was here because she was catty. He didn't mind, especially if she got catty with Pansy. With hair pulling and scratching and tearing off of clothes. Right on the green rug in the common room. Preferably over him, too.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruko, and you?"

He blinked. "Uzumaki -- like the id -- new Gryffindor? I assume he is your brother... Younger, or older?" he asked, giving her a charming smile. It was good that he'd been raised to make conversation out of nearly anything.

"Ah, same age actually."

"Twins? I should have guessed, you look very much like each other -- even though you're a lot more beautiful, of course."

She beamed at him. He felt a little bit of his heart melt, and another part of his anatomy harden.

He reached out, took her hand, and made as if to kiss it, in a mix of teasing and romantic that was guaranteed to make all girls melt. "Pray tell, fair lady, are you free this --"

Behind him, Uchiha snorted.

It was the kind of snort that meant 'I would be about to piss myself laughing at you if I wasn't so much cooler than you are'. He positively hated it. He turned around, forcing a smile on his face to ask what he wanted. The foreign bastard was going to pay.

"As if fraternal twins had to look any more identical than any other kind of siblings. But then," he added, sizing Draco up slowly and visibly finding him wanting, "I guess that's more genetics than your family's ever known, isn't it?"

"What did you say about my family?"

The girl ripped her hand out of his own and beamed at the newcomer, glowing. "Ooh, Sasuke-kun! I'm so happy to see you!"

Instead of being happy to be smushed against her boobs, he had the nerve to frown. "Is that my shirt you're wearing?"

Draco spluttered.

"Yes! You don't mind, do you?"

"And that's my skirt!" Pink added as she joined them, frowning sternly. "Naru--ko, what are you doing wearing our things?"

"Well, I wasn't about to walk around naked, was I? So I grabbed the first things I found. Sorry sorry. I'll wash them, I swear," she added, giving them puppy eyes that would have melted even Snape.

Draco's brain was dribbling out of his ears. He couldn't have understood right, could he? Naked -- grabbing -- what! No, he couldn't have --

Boobs leaned over, still pouting, and gave Pink a little kiss on the cheek. "Come on, Sakura-chaan, please don't be mad!"

"N-Naruko, I swear, you--"

Uchiha snorted dismissively and put a hand on Sakura's back, immediately silencing her. "It's just a skirt, Sakura. It isn't as if she was wearing your panties. Are you?"

"Oh, no." The blonde grinned widely, then leaned forward to whisper in his ear, lips brushing him, "let's hope there's no draft."

Draco wasn't sure if he was meant to hear that. Draco was pretty sure he was meant to see the small smug smirk on Uchiha's face. Draco was having a hard time thinking, past the hate and the lust and the insane jealousy.

"... Malfoy? You're even paler than usual. Are you all right?" Sakura inquired politely.

"Fine," he managed to gasp out.

"Oh, good," the blonde replied with a wide smile, and immediately attached herself to Uchiha's right arm, cuddling his biceps right between her breasts, and looked up at him adoringly. The son of a bitch addressed a curt, falsely polite nod at him, then slipped his arm around Sakura's narrow waist, making her blush, and herded his girlfriends away, whispering in Sakura's ear as Naruko giggled delightedly.

Draco stared at them, fists clenched, livid. That utter bastard. He was going to pay. He was --

The pack of Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors who had been watching the scene in stunned silence from the galleries finally exploded into open laughter.


	10. Meanwhile on the Dark side

So I'm still planning stuff about a scene with Snape and/or Potions, and I need to do something about animagus, and something about Quidditch and/or brooms... But. Uh. Yeah. Have to think them up first. Suggestions are still welcome.

Thanks to Silverkiiri, Imbrium Iridum, Artimusdin and Chronolith for the help and poking.

* * *

The search for Uzumaki Naruto had been long and difficult. He wasn't in Konoha, and his mission was top-secret. Getting the information without alerting anyone had been tricky. But then, Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame weren't S-rank criminals for nothing. Eventually, they got the info, and made their way to the faraway land of England. 

Wizarding England. From what little they could gather on the subject, there was a difference. But for someone who had grown up in a village that was home to thousands of people and yet could still call itself "Hidden", the wizarding world was about as secret as Orochimaru's bedroom tastes.

Of course, the trip itself still took them about two months. By the time they arrived, they were rather low on funds; stealing from passersby was rather petty and needed to be repeated too often to be practical. They were, sadly, too far from base to get money there.

But there was no reason not to rent their services.

It made sense; Naruto-kun was holed up at Hogwarts, Harry Potter was holed up at Hogwarts. Voldemort could also pay them in information about the kind of defenses around the place. Besides they weren't Muggles to be distracted away from their path by a basic "you don't want to go there" genjutsu, and they strongly doubted that Kakashi had had the occasion to take care of every little flaw and loophole in the castle's security just yet.

The Death Eaters would give them money and the plans of Hogwarts and its defenses, Itachi and Kisame would do what they hadn't been able to do, deliver Harry Potter to Voldemort. And Naruto-kun, who just happened to be there to protect their "Boy-Who-Lived".

So basically they'd get paid to fulfill their original mission. All good.

The Death Eaters, though, especially that crazy woman -- Vera? Bella ? -- seemed to mix up contractor and servant.

Uchiha Itachi didn't kneel in front of anyone who wasn't able to make him -- preferably by breaking his two legs.

He didn't know what her little spell did, but then you had to be a worse fool than his brother to stay in the path of a ray of red light, especially one screamed out with such delighted wrath.

There was, though, an easy way to find out -- just for the sake of experimentation.

Itachi had the man with the silver hand pegged as such a coward, though, that it was hard to say how much of the scream he made after Itachi switched places with him was real pain, and how much was that he was a wimp.

"Try again," he invited tonelessly, and ignored the minions shouting in surprise at finding him in their midst, a step behind their master.

Voldemort was shielded, with something that made Itachi's skin prickle. He didn't care to find out if he would be able to break it; he didn't know enough about magic for that. He didn't have to let them know, though.

"You --"

The woman started screeching again. Itachi frowned a little. Didn't these people know anything? Murderous anger was to be channeled in actual murder, not wasted with pointless and stupid advertising of one's intention. She was unhinged enough to be an easily manipulated tool; still, that she seemed to be one of the most efficient people around there was rather...

... unsurprising, really, considering they'd frittered away decades and still hadn't won so much as a Go match for their leader.

There were maybe two truly competent people in the room, he considered as a blond, haughty-looking man, and a broken-nosed, sallow-skinned man, who were already in position on both sides of him. The rest were yelling in protest or frozen in shock.

"Enough," Voldemort hissed, a hand raised, as he turned to give Itachi a long, red-eyed glare. His minions seemed well-trained; they lowered their wands slowly. Itachi didn't pay them any attention, his own red eyes meeting his would-be employer calmly.

"...You do seem to have interesting tricks indeed..." the old man said softly.

Itachi stared at him a second longer, then nodded his head, barely. It wasn't too late to salvage the negotiations, if the man wasn't too prideful to recognize Itachi and his partner's skills; he still wasn't about to be any more polite than the bare essentials. These people needed to understand how to deal with a S-class missing-nin.

They stared at each other a little while longer. Itachi could feel the smallest ripple in his chakra, on a weird level that he had always associated with Genjutsu -- the mindfucking kind.

"I would not advise that," he cautioned, still softly, and let his eyes shift into Mangekyou.

"... My apologies," Voldemort whispered silkily at the last possible second. He was smirking, as if pleased and amused; Itachi knew better. The Dark wizard was seething. Itachi made a note to either avoid giving Voldemort any reason at all to avenge himself, or if he did, to kill the old man on the spot, rather than let him plot some nefarious scheme. Itachi really didn't care to spend the next month looking over his shoulder for a curse coming his way.

He was about to say something meaningless -- "Let's forget it" or something like that -- and restart the negotiations; he was interrupted.

"HOW DARE YOU!"

The woman was all but frothing at the mouth. Itachi frowned, just a little bit.

"Enough, Bella," Voldemort snapped -- too late. She was already aiming her wand and incanting again.

Itachi didn't bother to move; he turned to face Voldemort instead.

They'd all forgotten Kisame. One little punch and she was out like a light.

"Good help is so hard to find these days," he commented, unconcerned, and hefted his huge sword up, balancing it on his shoulder negligently.

Itachi allowed himself a little smirk at the look on Voldemort's face.

"We need information on the various kinds of spells there are around the place. Their limitations, their reach," he listed quietly, before the glare war could start again.

Voldemort briefly looked murderous, and then his snakelike face smoothed out. "Wormtail, bring them chairs."

"My partner prefers to stand," Itachi countered calmly, and finally got around to getting the information they'd come here to find out.

* * *

Kisame glanced at the picture of the black-haired boy they were supposed to fetch. 

"Neat little trick," he commented when Potter, apparently shy, started inching out of the frame. "I wonder if any jutsu could do the same."

Itachi didn't bother turning around to see what his partner was talking about. "Are you done reading?"

Kisame passed back the folder with the maps and the plans, crumpling the picture and throwing it over his shoulder.

"How long do you think before they figure out that we don't intend to bring them back that brat?"

Itachi snorted softly. "Who cares." It wasn't as if even one of them was competent enough to track them down, and the two Akatsuki had cautiously avoided leaving even one hair or one scrap of clothing behind, to prevent from being cursed from afar. The... Death Eaters, such as they were, didn't even have their real names.

Kisame smirked wide, amused. Voldemort really thought that they didn't know he'd planned to kill them as soon as he got what he wanted. Kisame was half-tempted to come back, just to see what tricks they had up their sleeves; so far, he hadn't been impressed, but there must be a reason why everyone was so scared of them -- or else that country was really more pathetic than he'd ever thought possible.

Coins jingled in his pocket; it was only an advance, a third of the total they'd been promised. It was more than sufficient for their needs.

"Let's get a hotel room," he suggested.

Not bothering to answer, Itachi followed, the Hogwarts map in his pocket.

* * *

No, this is not the plot you are looking for. (in other words, WHAT DID I WRITE NOOO OMG. I am SO NOT developing a plot, people. I don't care what it looks like, nonono, no timeline, no follow up, no evil consequences. Nope. None at all. 

Unless I manage to think up something funny.)


	11. At Ollivander's

And if I wrote with any sort of timeline in mind, this should have been the second drabble. Oh well. Better late than never. :D This happens before the start of the school year.

* * *

"Give it a swish." 

Nothing.

"Hmm. Strange. And this one?"

Another swish. Nothing.

A bored yawn. "Is anything supposed to happen?"

"As a matter of fact," the old man replied, tone pinched, "yes."

"Like what?"

"You'll know when it happens."

"We can wait a while. Hey, sensei, can I go see the menagerie? Ne? ne? OW."

Sakura gave the shopkeeper an apologetic little smile and shifted her weight off the heel that was currently crushing Naruto's toes. Kakashi gave her a wry nod as thank-you. She smiled back, and elbowed Naruto when he started whining about how unfair it was. The adults returned to Sasuke, who was standing in the middle of a mess of discarded wands and looking more cross by the second.

"... Sasuke," Kakashi sighed. "Stop molding your chakra."

"But--"

"You won't need to dodge anything in a hurry," their teacher added, dropping a heavy hand on Naruto's shoulder and giving him a Look. "But Ollivander-san can't find a pattern matching with it if you're reshaping it at the same time."

After giving Sasuke a long, shrewd look, the old man was already digging through his boxes.

"Here. Serpent scale -- give it a swish..."

Sasuke dutifully gave it a swish. A pile of boxes fell on Naruto's head as he was mimicking Sasuke's "expert wrist-limped action".

"Ow! What the hell, is it Abuse Naruto Day, or what?"

Ollivander snatched the wand out of Sasuke's hand and shoved another at him.

Then another. Then yet another. Sakura's arms were growing tired of holding Naruto in place every time he started to inch toward the exit, or a dark corridor, or a particularly shiny box.

Eventually, there was a flash of light and the old man finally looked pleased.

"Well, isn't that interesting. Ebony wood, with a core of giant fire-breathing bat hair -- what, pray tell, is so amusing?"

Naruto was too busy suffocating to answer.

Kakashi stared at his blond, red-faced student with detached consternation, and nudged Sakura forward. Ollivander went about measuring her, not looking that concerned by the hysterical, choked laughter coming from Naruto's corner. Sakura and Kakashi tried, with varying degrees of success, to pretend that they didn't hear.

Sasuke went to Naruto and used his brand-new wand to stab him in the shoulder.

"OW SON OF A BITCH--"

Annoyed, Sakura swished the wand she was currently trying. The two boys ended up with flowers stuffed in their mouths. Kakashi coughed suspiciously and stared intently at his book. His shoulders were shaking just a bit.

"Sakura..."

"Ah, I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun..."

"You have a daisy behind your ear, Sasuke," Kakashi informed him absently, and turned a page he hadn't even read.

Naruto would have laughed, but he was still coughing up daffodils.

It only took two more tries to find Sakura's wand. It was middle-length, elegant and delicate; "Cherry-wood with a core of Phoenix feather. From the crest," Ollivander added.

Sakura perked up. The cherry thing was a little bit too obvious to bother asking, but she hadn't yet abandoned her efforts to make sense of that strange, strange world. "From its head?" A reference to her intelligence maybe! "Would a feather from anywhere else have different properties?"

Ollivander smiled at her, visibly pleased by her interest. "None at all. Young man, please?"

Naruto ended up taking twice as long to find his match as it took Sasuke. Twice as long, three times as many explosions, and an accidental transformation of Kakashi's book into a trout.

Ollivander changed it back, but the cover insisted on showing a mermaid.

After some consideration, Kakashi didn't appear that saddened. As a rule, mermaids rarely wore more than seashell bras and their own hair.

The one wand that seemed to work was, well... Rather big, judging by the ones they'd seen before. It was also, as Ollivander confided with some pride, "experimental." Sakura was pretty sure that a man as shrewd and observant as the wandmaker had to notice the uncomfortable looks exchanged between her, Sasuke and Kakashi, but he was good at pretending to be oblivious. Naruto was swatting his wand as if it was a nightstick and only reacted to the announcement with a grin.

"Hah! Hear that, Sasuke? My wand is more special than yours."

Sasuke snatched the explanatory paper that was inside the wand's box and read it quickly, sneering. "Yeah, special. Core of nerves from a frog leg. How lame is that?"

Naruto scowled. "You're just jealous cause mine's bigger!"

"And what does it matter, since you don't even know how to use it!"

Sakura groaned.

* * *

Reminder: My chapters are the exact length they need to be. Because they are not chapters, they are drabbles, and this is not a story, this is a collection of scenes and snippets. I tell everything I need to tell about one subject, and then I move on. There's no plot and no character building. There's a difference between you wanting more and me not exploring an idea completely. XP 


	12. still no plot lalala

_This one is for biawutnow, who lies. There is still no plot, damn it. :p_

* * *

"What's Malfoy got against you anyway?"

"Besides not being one of his bootlickers?" Sasuke snorted, dropping in the seat facing Sakura's. "And humiliating him?"

"And stealing the ladies," Naruto added with a snicker as he turned his chair around and straddled it.

Sakura blushed at the memory, and checked quickly that the librarian was still out of earshot. Her teammates kept bantering casually as they pulled out paper and quills, unmindful of the few other students currently studying at other tables.

"... yeah, about that. You shove me in your boobs again and I'll shove your face through a wall."

"Aw, come on, they're perfectly nice boobies."

"They're _your_ 'boobies', and last time I checked you were still male. It's disturbing."

"Your _face_ is disturbing."

Sasuke sneered at Naruto, who grinned back. Sakura refrained from replying that it was far from being what she -- and most females of both Hogwarts and Konoha -- thought.

"What was that about Malfoy?" she asked Naruto, giving Sasuke a puzzled and hopeful glance. He still hadn't looked at her even once.

"He put something in my pumpkin juice," Sasuke replied casually, and started reading his assignment.

She froze. "...W-what...?"

"You sure it was him?" Naruto asked, scratching his head with his quill.

"Who else would have the motive?" Sasuke shrugged.

"I didn't have him pegged for a killer. You sure it wasn't laxatives or something?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Just because that's what you'd do... I don't know what the hell it was, but it can't have been good."

"... but -- how did you know...?"

Sasuke finally glanced at her, eyes cool and disinterested. "I'm a ninja, Sakura. As if I can't notice when something has been slipped in my drink. It smelled wrong, the color was off. It would have been pathetic to miss that."

"...oh."

Sakura shriveled on her seat, and discreetly shoved the "Love Potions" book at the bottom of her bag.


	13. Hair

-Several people have asked if I'm going to add some pairings in the ficlets. I don't intend to; this is really more about parodies and fun than about romance.

Besides if I choose a pairing, fans of the other pairings won't be happy, whereas, as things are now, everyone can enjoy the crack without being disturbed by the "yuck, so and so are together" factor.

I know that I drop romantic hints sometimes, but it's really just hints and you can read them any way you want. (For example, Sasuke being disturbed by Naruko-chan's boobs. Does it mean that he doesn't like Naruto? Or that he doesn't like boobs? Or that he just doesn't like Naruto to behave like an idiot? NO ONE KNOWS.)

-I don't intend to bring any other Naruto characters in this crossover -- Itachi and Kisame were just a random idea, and they probably won't pop up again. It's really supposed to be about Team Seven; besides I really don't write the other Genins well enough to feel comfortable writing them in. I tried; it didn't work.

-I use canon names for Sakura's Housemates (found on the Harry Potter Lexicon), but except from Padma, I don't think we've seen them in the books more than a couple of lines each (some even not at all) so the personalities are pretty much pastede on. Oops. ;D

* * *

"Say, Sakura, could I borrow your -- well, I'll be damned." 

Sakura wiped the foam off her face quickly, tilting her hair back a little to make sure that her shampoo wouldn't get in her eyes, and looked questioningly at Mandy Brocklehurst. Her Housemate was blinking at her over the top of the shower stall door.

"Yes?"

"Oh, sorry!" Mandy turned around, laughing a little too loudly. Sakura squirmed nervously and washed the shampoo off as fast as she could.

"Lisa! It's not a dye job after all!"

Sakura's hand slipped as she was turning off the water and she ended up drenched in cold water. She turned the knob too hard to compensate; it snapped off in her hand. She burst out of the stall, wrapping herself in her towel quickly. "_What_!" She couldn't have understood that right.

"Well, you know, your hair. Unless you also dye your -- you know, down there?"

Giggles erupted from a few stalls, and two girls peeked out over their doors.

Sakura turned red and pulled the towel tighter around her body. "I certainly don't! And -- will you stop gaping? Where's the main faucet-thing, you know -- wait, it would cut off every shower, would it?"

Padma rolled her eyes in amusement and pulled out her wand, pointing it at the broken knob. "_Reparo_! Seriously, you're such a Muggle sometimes."

Well, damn, there went her diversion.

"Mandy," Su Li intervened, "you seriously lack in observation skills. If she dyed her hair, the water would be tinged pink. It can't be something physical."

"Topical, maybe not; you're right that we would have noticed her applying it -- but it doesn't mean that she hasn't got a potion to drink. _That _wouldn't have to happen in the shower room."

"Wait -- wait a minute here -- a _potion_ to change my _hair color_?"

Su, Mandy, Lisa and Padma gave her a strange look. "What's the problem with it?"

"Well, apart from the fact that I'd have to brew it in secret, and it would probably taste _nasty_... Doesn't that seem -- I don't know -- frivolous to you?"

Lisa coughed. "About that, I'm going to need my book on Love Potions back."

Sakura turned even more red, if that was possible.

"Maybe it's a charm."

"Oh, yes -- or maybe even a transfiguration."

"It's NATURAL, I tell you!"

Lisa waved her down. "Oh, Sakura, we understand that you like the color, and I agree that, while unusual, it does look very pretty on you, but..."

"But what!"

Beside her, Mandy, Su and Padma were still chattering.

"Are you positive that it wasn't... you know?"

"Well, I didn't STARE, but at first glance, there were no visible roots."

"Hm, yes, probably a transfiguration; a charm would only stay attached to the part of the hair that existed when it was cast... And unless she casts it every morning..."

"Well -- no offense, Sakura -- but it can be a pretty delicate spell, and it's obvious that she hasn't had much training in subtle wand manipulations..."

"Oh! Is it a botched spell, Sakura?"

"Is that why you didn't want to tell us? It's alright, really--"

"It's not a botched spell! It's not a spell at all!"

The girls gave her a disappointed, admonishing look and kept throwing more and more arcane possibilities at each other, eventually drafting a few of the other years who had a Muggle background for added possibilities. Sakura groaned, and decided to get dry and dressed since they didn't seem to need her input.

It was surreal. Here she was, in a shower room with four other girls in varying degrees of nudity, and they were debating potions and charms with the seriousness of Interrogation specialists comparing torture methods. Why hadn't she asked the Hat to place her into Hufflepuff? They would have accepted her without question. Grr.

"I've told you it's my natural color!" she wailed a last time, throwing her hands in the hair. She was this close to tearing out a clump and telling them to run it through as many examinations as they wanted.

Su shook her head. "No offense, Sakura, but unless you're a Metamorphmagus, pink isn't a color you can ever be born with. It's genetically impossible."

"Gene-what?" Padma asked.

"Genetic -- Muggle term, basically all the information that's passed down from your parents' bloodlines at conception, through what's present in the gametes -- the father's seed and the mother's egg. The closest you could come to pink would be Weasley-red. Or maybe strawberry-blond... Say, you wouldn't happen to have Weasley blood, would you?"

Oh, they were addressing her again. She paused in the middle of buttoning up her shirt to look at the little group. "Um, no."

"Oh. Because if you had Fred and George in your family, it could account for a lot."

"Well, I don't," she growled out through clenched teeth. No one was listening. The Fred-and-George explanation had thrown them onto another tangent; she huffed and turned away. She had a puddle of icy water to mop up.

The mop and broom finally set aside, she was in the process of packing up her things when the sudden hush made her turn around. The girls were stealing glances at her; Su had a hand over her mouth and Padma seemed somewhat chagrined.

"What now?"

"...Did your parents..." an apologetic wince, "experiment with weird spells... You know, before you were born?"

...Had her pregnant mother been used as a guinea pig for the creation of unnatural hair colors. Huh.

Sakura gave them a stony look and picked up her bag. "... Yes. Yes. That's what happened." Maybe now they would stop mentioning it.

"Oh, poor thing! What kind of spell was it? Does it alter color-changing charms? Because I'm sure we could come up with ways to fix it, if you want--"

Okay, that was enough. Cracking her fingers threateningly, she advanced toward the pack of half-naked girls, eyes flashing in anger.

"I happen to like my hair color EXACTLY the way it is, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Is that a problem for anyone here?"

Mandy looked like she wanted to say something, for a few seconds, and then Sakura's broom snapped in her hands, and Mandy didn't.

Sakura stomped off before she felt too tempted to stab them with the biggest splinters.

* * *

"Sasuke-kun...?" 

Sasuke grunted, glancing down at her from his seat on the tower's parapet, and then turned back to watch over the grounds.

"Does my hair look weird to you?"

Sasuke blinked, and gave her a good long look, disgruntled at being bothered over something so inconsequential. He couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. This wasn't going to turn into one of these classical "I just left the hairdresser and you didn't even notice!" situations, was it? He wanted to say that it looked like it always did, but -- argh. Maybe random sarcasm would sidetrack her.

"...Not compared to Naruto's. He looks like a chick exploded on his head."

"HEY!" Naruto protested from his perch, two battlements away. "You got a problem with my hair, asshole?"

"Not a problem, no. I just find it ridiculous."

"You wanna talk ridiculous, duck-butt?"

The two boys jumped to their feet and predictably started fighting on the parapet. Sakura sighed, and turned to face Kakashi.

"Um, Kakashi-sensei... You've traveled more than us... Do you think my hair color is odd?"

Kakashi stared at his book, as if he was contemplating the likelihood of Sakura believing him if he pretended that he'd been too engrossed in it to hear. Eventually, he shrugged. "For Europe, it's certainly original, though I've seen non-magical people with flashier hair."

He gave Sakura a smile, visible eye curving up, and swept the boys' feet from under them in one kick.

"They just have to accept that our country has more biological variety than they do. Fifty percent of our team has hair colors that are considered unnatural in these parts, after all."

Naruto gave Kakashi a pouty glare and rubbed his smarting butt. "Sensei... For your information, I just think they think you're _old_."

Kakashi's smile became a little strained. They could _tell, _even through the mask; his eyebrow was twitching.

"Why don't we vary the patrols; Naruto, Sasuke, you'll circle the grounds from four AM to eight -- don't be late to class."

"But -- that's the same time as breakfast!" Naruto protested, heartbroken.

Kakashi's smile was now downright sadistic. It wasn't the eyebrow this time; it was just the vibes. "It is, isn't it?"

Growling in annoyance, Sasuke kicked Naruto.

"What is it you're saying, Sasuke? You would love to help Hagrid-sensei feed his pets?"

"... No, sensei," Sasuke muttered reluctantly as Naruto snickered under his breath. "Can we get going now? I'd like to train sometime _before_ tomorrow's patrol. Sensei."

Sakura sighed as she followed them across the roofs. Men, all of them. They really didn't have a clue about how she felt. Oh well, maybe they were right, it was just hair.

Weird hair.

Perhaps a version of the school robes came with a hood.

"Um... Sakura-chan?" Naruto fell back to her height, scratching his neck embarrassedly. "I don't know 'bout your hair being weird, but, um. It's pretty."

She blushed, stammered, and hesitated between hitting him for hitting on her, and hugging him for being so dorkily, cutely nice.

"So... How did your Housemates figure out it wasn't a dye job anyway?" he added with a huge, hopeful grin. And then waggled his eyebrows.

Hitting him worked just fine, really.

* * *

EDIT July 2007: This was never intended as a single fic, nor as a "real" story. Whenever I had a funny crossover idea, I would add a quickly written scene. _**I haven't felt like writing a new one since April 2006**_. I know it's popular, and I'm grateful for it, but I don't like Harry Potter that much anymore, and if it's not fun for me, I'm not going to make myself write more anyway. Forced fic is always utter tripe.

Thanks to everyone who gave me a suggestion. Some of them were really good. I regret that my inspiration didn't decide to take them for a spin.

With the release of book 7, I MIGHT be inspired to make a couple more of them, but frankly if I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath. Better for you all to assume that I'm never going to write more, and if you feel like writing your own ideas, feel free. I don't chave a copyright on crossover parody. (just don't use bits from my fics in yours, I WILL bite you.)


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